So long as you don't torture me with my past

blogging into a black hole

2009-09-09T02:38:23Z

I think I'm getting sort of depressed again.

It's hard to get motivated to do just about anything... to try to be around pple.

Sometimes I'm afraid if I don't keep my mind active I might disappear.

I'm no where near where I wanted to be w/ my life and I'm almost 25... Lord save me.

Josh and I are talking about maybe moving to Indy next year.

What if my life is doomed?

punkfx84 @ 2008-09-22T01:25:00

2008-09-22T05:26:55Z

Ever meet a walking wounded? One of the living dead? Hello, my name is Meghan.

Uncertainty

2008-04-07T19:14:47Z

That's the only way I can explain where I am in my life right now: Uncertain.

Early March my parents decided to move to Wisconsin. Mid-March they put their house on the market... Two and a half weeks later the house was sold and one week later they purchased a house in a city I can barely pronounce let alone spell. Some attempt to cling to the Native Americans that once dwelled on that land, I'm sure. They will be moved there before April 30th, because that's when they have to close on the house in Noblesville. Did I mention this distant land is 5 1/2 hours away (ideally... but I'm going to have to drive through Chicago... So realistically 6 1/2 to 7 hours away.....) I could drive to and from Noblesville twice in that time... People kept asking me how I felt... I thought I'd have more time to adjust before they actually moved... Two months is not enough time... I said I was okay with it... I mean... I don't expect to stay in Indiana much longer than three more years... So if I don't plan to stay I shouldn't expect them to either. Right? But if I have children they will never see where I grew up a major portion of my life... I won't be going home to familiar streets and sights and stories when I visit my parents... I will be going to a strange city where I'm sure I will always get lost. Lost... That's how I feel... It's weird when your anchor is uprooted and thrown to sea. Everything hit me at work the other day when I thought that I had requested this weekend off to go home but found that I was scheduled every single day. I burst into tears. Almost hyperventilating... Guess I am not okay. Pretending only goes so far.

Part of me wishes I could call Morris about it. His parents moved to Florida a couple years ago and he's ok... I just want someone who's been there to tell me that yes it sucks... but it gets better. But I can't. I'm sure he wouldn't even answer the phone... And if he did, that woman would be upset and it would just cause issues. I hate some of the timelines of my life.

I will be done with school in a month... LESS than a month actually and I am severely unprepared... I haven't applied for graduation or declared my art major yet... I think I've been putting it off because if I'm officially done with school I will have to enter the world head on... It's sort of a re-birth... Not having anyone to rely on but yourself... Of course there are always friends and loved ones to support you emotionally, but ultimately it's only up to you to survive another day. Plant two feet on the ground and keep on going... What if I can't???

Just a few thoughts.

2008-01-23T00:30:28Z

There are so many words and emotions that are just so hard to chain down in coherency. I have found soul shattering love. Heart clenching, breath racing, passionate, world changing, love. And I have no idea what I have done to deserve the life I have now. I have a wonderful man who loves me... we can spend days in each other's company and not falter in conversation or begin to tarnish in each other's eyes. I can hold him so close to me and still feel like I should squeeze harder... Just to try to convey how much he means to me. I want to pull the thoughts from the air, sprinkle them with glitter, and glue them down in child like wonder just to express myself. We are wonderfully different and yet just the same... catching ourselves thinking the same things, saying the same things, laughing the same way..... all at the same time... but we never tire of the other. This is the fairy tale love. My Cinderella tale. He is all I could have imagined if I were to construct my mystery man from my dreams.

But I feel bad to have so much good in my life when one of the people I love most has had to suffer so much pain and lose someone so precious. Since that week, everything seems slightly different. Everyone who complains seems so trivial, including myself. Life is something that we shouldn't waste because it keeps proving to be so fragile. In the past two months I have had to attend two funerals... One celebrated a complete life that seemed cut too short, the other mourned the loss of a life that never got to live. Both left people behind, wondering what if...

I used to be a very big church girl... But I cannot help but sit here, feeling minuscule, looking to the heavens wondering WHAT THE FUCK has HE been doing with himself? What is His explanation for all of this? The world is falling in ruins around us, and where is His help? I keep hearing that everything is going to go to hell on Earth probably within my life time. How can things have been soooo bad thousands of years ago that He had to supposedly flood the Earth and start fresh, when now we have home made bombs, nuclear weapons, children cluching guns to their chests while their mothers are being raped, world wide epidemics of killer diseases, genocides... the list is endless. And yet so many just go through life in an ignorant bubble. If He is supposed to transcend time and know what is going to happen then how could he have created man just to watch them self destruct? Oh yea, free will and all that bullshit.

Which brings me to a new quandary. How can people in our nation call themselves good Christians and yet try to strip people of their free will by creating laws to micromanage people's lives? Why should their be laws for us to wear seat belts and fines if we are caught doing so? Should it not be my choice if I want to use that extra safety measure? I'm not potentially hurting anyone but myself... there is no need to make a law about it. And does anyone else see that adding a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage is wrong on so many levels? The Constitution was not created to hinder people's lives but to save them from the threat of an over-powering government... adding an amendment forbidding gay marriage would completely undermine it's existence, setting the framework for other frivolous actions in the future. And how can a person call themselves a good-freaking-Christian and yet take away people's free will? WHO THE HELL ARE THEY HURTING???? NO ONE. I would think we were finally at a time when people could stop being so damn insecure, and focus more on the betterment of humanity instead of the protection of our little ignorant damn bubbles.

Enough of that.

punkfx84 @ 2007-11-05T21:18:00

2007-11-06T02:20:28Z

Even the sky was overcast... Mourning the loss of a wonderful soul.
As the pastor recited the final goodbyes, the wind kicked up...
The elements were weeping with the spectators.

punkfx84 @ 2007-10-20T18:02:00

2007-10-20T22:03:05Z

Is it weird that I get over things so fast? What if I don't actually feel?

punkfx84 @ 2007-08-20T02:57:00

2007-08-20T06:58:57Z

ARGGHHHHH

STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS
STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS
STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS
STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS
STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS
STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS
STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS
STRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESSSTRESS

.nausea.

.headache.

.sleeplessness.

That is all.

punkfx84 @ 2007-08-14T21:37:00

2007-08-15T04:00:34Z

Right now I am stressed.... I feel like the house is still in complete disorder and I won't finally be at rest until it's all put together... But there's NOTHING I can do to fix it right now...

We have 10 people living in a 5 bedroom house right now bc Jess, Stacy, Joel, Cory, and Derek are all homeless... Thank god it all ends tomorrow... Don't get me wrong, I love them all, and it's nice actually being around people and not being a social outcast... but not 24/7.

I just fell like I have no control... and that is NOT how I operate...

I haven't been sleeping well... I wish I wasn't a light sleeper... I feel like all I want to do is sleep... but w/ 10 people in one house (sometimes 11 bc Steven crashes here 5 days of the week) it's hard to sleep in or go to bed early.

I'm worried about being the bitch of the house....

I'm worried I'll be the only one cleaning... the house is so trashed right now... but there's no use in cleaning until tomorrow....

I think Kichu hates me... People keep torturing her bc she's so pick-up-able and calling her a fatty. I don't like my dog being mistreated but I feel like I can't control it. At least no one has tried to get her high.

I'm tired... so tired...

I can't wait til Friday and Saturday... If it happens.

punkfx84 @ 2007-07-25T01:12:00

2007-07-25T05:18:11Z

The livejournal writer's block question is "what are you afraid of?"

Usually I don't pay attention to those questions but move along and look at my friends page and sometimes write a little rant here and there...

But instead of that being a question, it seems more of a confrontation....

What am I afraid of???

Right now I feel lost, static, like I'm evaporating....

I see everybody but nobody... I am never alone but isolated....

Why haven't I begun to feel like a "grown up?"

I'm almost 23... I should be on my own, paying my own bills, doing whatever it is I'm supposed to do...

But I'm here... in oblivion... floating... in limbo... a purgatory of my own design.

Why am I not moving forward??

Man, I love Bayside

2007-06-18T06:52:43Z

TORTURES OF THE DAMNED

I hate myself,
more than I ever let on.
I'm burned out at 22.
I lived too fast and I loved too much and I'll die too young,
but I chose this cup that I drank from.
Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn't let out what I had to keep in.
I'm ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins,
that I've committed and:

I've made mistakes,
but I'll find my way.
There's no explanation for,
the things I've failed at before.
They can't hold my hand.
It just hurts to be a man,
Through the tortures of the damned.

If I only had an axe,
I'd sever the ties I've made with the world.
Maybe I can be a stranger,
in a strange place.
If I start now, maybe I can be saved.
If I only had a mask,
I'd cover these bleeding eyes.
They're bloodshot now but they'll be black by dawn.
If I wake up now,
I can be pure again.

I need a holiday

2007-06-13T06:10:16Z

I feel like I'm losing at the game of protecting those I'm close to...
I'm letting everyone down, my best friend in particular.

I should have just chained her to the apartment... created a human sized hamster ball... I'm just worried, I'm worried she'll end up hitting rock bottom and I won't be able to save her. I haven't been doing a very good job lately. I yelled, I was furious. I don't understand. Now I'm afraid we won't talk for weeks or it will always be awkward. I don't want to lose my best friend over a fucker. We survived my own personal douche bag, we can survive this??? That's what I keep telling myself...

I need to get away. I know I sound like a broken record, but this town... all my stresses... they're getting to me. I've been getting stomach aches at least once a day. I've been pushing through them, I've told Niki since day one and just mentioned it to CJ today... I feel like it makes me weak... What's stressing me out so much????? I mean, I know I've been freaking out about some things, but I don't feel like it's any more than what everyone else deals with... Nothing out of control.

I'm scared to end up like I was in high school: a broken, beat down mess... Depressed, stressed... Struggling to find something to fill a bottomless void... But nothing is going on now to compare to what I was going through then, so what's wrong with me? I'm not depressed, I don't think... I push myself through the times I just want to stay home, curled up in bed, alone... which is a great sign. I go out, I have fun, I smile, I laugh, I seem to be normal... as normal as anyone could be. So I should be fine. No worries.

I just need a holiday.

Recap

2007-05-28T07:06:57Z

All in all life has been amazing lately.

But I'm afraid what it'll be like in 4 days after Canada is gone...

Niki and I will still go shake it at Sports, I'm sure...

But then when Niki leaves????

Then who will come out and make asses of themselves w/ me?

Everyone's leaving and talking about leaving... I don't blame them in the least, it just keeps hitting me how old I am. I have 4 weddings to go to this summer, I graduate in a year (only 4 classes though), and I am thinking about moving out west.

But where out west?? I think that northern California would be nice, but the cost of living is so high. Colorado would be ideal... but then again there's that whole cost of living thing... Oregon? North Carolina (not out west I know)? ???? Really, I'm pretty flexible on the whole thing... I just want out of the midwest... and as long as I can drive less than an hour somewhere to do something crazy outside, I'm good.

There's a whole other situation that I'm not really going to get into.... But I can say that I'm confused, and that's really all I know for sure.

PS Kichu is defending me from the killer pillow.

Update

2007-05-25T06:28:09Z

Right now I want to sit and write something profound laced with hypnotic words to spellbind and stupefy, but all the thoughts in my mind are too complicated to be conveyed appropriately.

My life has met some wonderful changes lately.

Work:
Curtis, Steven, (and hopefully Jersey) are now working at the OC along w/ me and Ali. The BxP is taking over the west side!

However, Amanda, Marc, and Canada are moving away in 7 days... Is it really only a week until they leave??? My friendship with Canada has grown so much, she's my shakin it buddy!!! Now to be completely honest, I don't know how often I'll see her... Once, twice a year??? Everyone needs to get their passports and come to Canada with me.

School:
I'm currently finishing up my Poli Sci degree... I have yet to officially declare my art major... I could graduate this summer... But one more year it is...

Living:
Alyse is moving out in 2 days. FINALLY. I'm expecting the electricity bill to be significantly less and the cleanliness of the apartment to be MUCH better. Now Mike can leave the toliet seat up all he wants (not that he doesn't already, but she won't be here to bitch about it).

I can't wait until we move into the house. I'm getting a queen size bed. It's supposed to be a surprise, but my parents bought me the bed set to match my dresser and nightstand.

I'm completely changing my room around for next year. I know that it's really girly, but I feel like I've become much more mature this past year, and I want my room to reflect that. I have so many ideas of what I want to do... Looks like this will be a summer of creativity. =)

Social:
I've been going out to the bars A LOT more than I used to. The only bad part about that is that I'm spending a TON of money. It's weird, I used to feel suffocated in the bar scene and had NO interest in going, but I've been really having good times! I'm working on shakin it even though I'm definitely a white girl. I even pop, lock, and dropped last night! Niki was so proud, haha.

I haven't been hanging out a lot w/ the bxp lately because I've been spending so much time w/ Canada before she leaves. I sometimes get paranoid that people think I'm being a bitch or something by not hanging out as much... I just really want to make the most of the time I have left. In a week I will be a much better friend.

Tuesday night a group of us went to Louisville... It was quite an experience, ending w/ us sitting in the basement of Dave (and now Billy's too) apartment. WEIRD. I know SO many people are going to be pissed when they find it out. But we found out the story of the whole fb thing everyone's been tracking.

One thing REALLY ticked me off... All Dave kept talking about was Cabin... Cabin, Cabin, Cabin, Cabin, Cabin... REALLY? Seriously? All this conversation was mainly directed at CJ... who Dave pretty much screwed over... REAL sensitive. I felt so bad. But props to CJ bc he sat there and held conversation w/o being visibly rattled... If it were me I would have probably made a scene.

Alright, well I'm going to bed, I need to get prepared for the weekend.

Diet

2007-05-09T17:35:57Z

OK, so fyi, I'm on a diet... so no beer or late night pizza for me anymore... I've been wanting to do this for awhile, but now I have the drive to do it.... It was intensified when I stopped by home on Sunday and my parents both pretty much called me fat.

My mom said, "You're really starting to get a belly, you doing your crunches?"
I looked her in the eye and said, "I don't know, have you???"
Her response, "I'm too old."
All the while my dad was pointing out that my stomach matched my butt.
I don't have to even start to point out how wrong that situation is.
I have great parents... wait...

So please, don't try to convince me otherwise, I'm not going for the aneorexic look or anything, I just want to feel healthy and be happy in my skin.

Fed up

2007-05-08T04:30:59Z

So I finally got fed up....
and I am cranky enough today to act out...
So this is the note that is going on the fridge:

READ
Put dirty dishes in dishwasher.
If dishwasher full of dirty
dishes - RUN IT. If full of
clean dishes - PUT THEM
AWAY. If trash full - TAKE
IT OUT. If you make a
mess on the counters -
CLEAN IT. Seriously, let's
be civilized. Your room can be
however you want, but the
main area needs to be at
least up to health code and
I AM DONE BEING CINDERELLA.

I know I'm going to get some interesting reactions, but I don't care. My room is a MESS right now bc I'm so burnt out from keeping the rest of the apartment clean to keep my room clean, and I'm tired of it.

I don't think that it's unreasonable that I like our apt at least to not look condemned and attract bugs.

And I don't like my dog to be exposed to things that can make her sick.

I feel old.

punkfx84 @ 2007-05-04T14:15:00

2007-05-04T18:16:02Z

Another one of my friends from back home is now engaged.... Luke Adams... Yeah I've been expecting it for awhile bc his girlfriend is A-MAZING, but seriously... this needs to stop, it's freaking me out.

punkfx84 @ 2007-04-30T01:59:00

2007-04-30T06:03:15Z

I'm going to start going back to church.

Next year there's a free methodist church within walking distance that I'm going to check out...

I know it seems weird, especially with my lifestyle lately, but I really want to see if that's why I feel so lost...

I used to be an extremely Godly person... I'm not saying that I want to revert exactly back to where I was, but I don't think that completely depriving myself is working either.

Church has given me my life the way it is today. I wouldn't know any of the brat pack without it. It's weird how things like that work out.

There's a river of emotions I wish I could express, but they would just be incohesive.

One day I may try.

punkfx84 @ 2007-04-26T22:04:00

2007-04-27T02:05:52Z

Everyone's becoming a satellite, the group is only a fable... A myth told around fireside late at night... without a moral. We tell tall tales of the glories of yester-year without remembering about today. "Do you remember when???" What if I want to remember now???

AHHHH

2007-04-16T05:34:58Z

I'm getting a tattoo in about 16 hours!!!!! AHHHHHHH I'm nervous, which is dumb... I've been thinking about this forever...

ME ME ME ME ME ME ME

2007-04-13T07:27:08Z

I am me.
I fit into everyone and no one's mold.
I do what I want, wear what I want, feel what I want at any given moment.
I am human.
I cry, bleed, and laugh like any other person.
I can be whatever I want.
Accept me or fuck off.
Only real friends wanted.
Love me for my flaws, or don't bother with me.
I'm beginning to question where I belong.

I may be a little drunk right now.
It may have taken me longer to type those sentences than usual.
But these are feelings I've had.

I feel rejected.
I feel disposable.
I feel invisible.

Have I disappeared?

I am a girl, with a bitchy yet wonderful dog, who just wants to know...

What the hell is happening with my life?

Crazy mo'fo dream

2007-04-11T17:21:05Z

I had an extremely creepy dream last night, this is one of those I have to record because it's just so horrific.

In my dream I was at what was supposed to be a school but was actually a skeleton of a building. On the outside of the skeleton was all sorts of things, but mainly ovens.... The oven doors were facing outward so they were very hard to reach.

Everyone was slowly starting to lose their minds and become extremely violet. Kids pushing kids off the building, chasing those who had yet to turn... My 'character' had yet to become evil.

One girl asked me to go to the second floor to find her mother and give her a message. I was climbing all around the outside of the building, fighting off the evil ones and trying very hard to stay alive.

There was one adult, something weird was about him... He had the power to turn kids back to their normal state... he also had other powers as well, but those are too fuzzy for me to remember.

I met up with him when I was about to the second floor. Two male kids were chasing me down, and I was climbing around frantically trying to get to my destination. The two kids saw the man and tried going after him, just by talking to them the man was able to slowly bring them back to reality.

I found the mother... This is one of the most disgusting things that I think has ever come from my imagination....

The daughter had somehow gotten there before me and was sitting at the door of an oven calling into her mother... I thought I heard the mother's voice, but I had to have been mistaken... The oven was turned on... There was also a very little girl inside the oven with the mother... She was curled into a ball, grasping a teddy bear, calling out quietly...

The boys originally were trying to get us to get away from the oven then slowly began to wonder where their own parents were and then helped us get the oven open.

The little girl was barely alive... The mother had ordered that she go into the oven with her and trapped the little girl in there. (The mother had turned evil as well)

Now here's the grotesque part.... The mother was no longer alive... She had baked for so long that the tissue had actually begun to melt off the bones... All the muscle and fat had become a jelly-like substance... You could only tell it used to be human by the distinct shape of the bones underneath the goo.

It was disgusting. The boys kept playing with it as I frantically started climbing away... More happened with the boys becoming good, but I don't remember it... My alarm went off soon after... I can't believe I even stayed asleep during that.

I've been dreaming a lot lately... It's usually a sign of turmoil in my life... I hope I can find peace soon.

Added reflections:
I've been feeling attacked by Mike a lot lately, I wonder if he could have been one of the boys coming after me?

My mom and I have been arguing a lot about my future... where I'm going to end up, etc... She basically keeps trying to tell me what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it and doesn't seem to grasp that eventually, this will be MY life... However, right now I'm tied to her financially so I have to sit and take it... Could she have been the mother, and I have been the child trapped in the oven???

Who was the man that could make it all better??? And did he appear in my dream because somewhere, deep down, I still think that I have to be in a relationship to be ok???

Is all this dream analyzing even worth it?

punkfx84 @ 2007-04-10T11:01:00

2007-04-10T15:01:59Z

I don't belong anymore.

punkfx84 @ 2007-03-30T17:01:00

2007-03-30T21:01:58Z

I think I'm changing

I don't know if I like it

Pouring my heart into silver

2007-03-25T01:31:14Z

Taking a break from destroying my metal-

In a state of constant confusion... I'm so tired and stressed that I've started stuttering... this is a new one and I am not a fan... I'm also worried... I don't know what to do. I want to be a better person, to be more accepting, and I think I'm getting there, but it seems some things might be holding me back. Or am I holding them back? Am I even a part of this anymore or have I drifted off in my own bubble? Am I becoming naive again or am I past the awful shock of reality so I can get back to the idea that there is good in most people, you just might have to dig to find it... It seems a never ending cycle. I mean, I still realize that there is bad in people, so I'm expecting the worst with the best... I don't think I'm making sense anymore... I guess what I'm getting at is can't we all just get along??? I can't blame people though. I was there before. But it was so much work... To be the badass, making sure everyone knew I was a badass. Don't get me wrong, I still LOVE sarcasm, but I've tried to remove the spite from it.

I think I've decided not to do a BFA. It's time for me to think about moving on from here... not soon, but in a couple years. I'm finishing my poli sci major this summer, finishing my art degree next year, and then staying for another year to save up a ton of money and then heading out... But where??? I've been thinking Oregon. It seems to be an often over looked state... Most people think Cali, Seattle, and Colorado... Hopefully I'll find my peace.

I think I've finally broken free of my band boy obsession. I have a feeling... Something new is going to take place. I just have to not be so afraid and just dive right in. I'm ready. I can take another relationship. Michael and I broke up a year ago now, and I've been completely and utterly unattached since August. {7 months of solitude is a record for me.} I've been doing what I want when I want and making whatever decision I please. I feel like I've grown more into my own skin and gained a better sense of self. I wouldn't mind adding another person into the mix.

I've seen Jules every day for the past 3 days. It makes me more aware of how much I've missed her. We've had our rough spots, but we've still been able to maintain a close friendship. I hung out w/ both her and Jim last night after I said a big FUCK YOU to the art building, and I can't say I hated it. I actually had fun. Seems that fued has reached it's end. It was inevitable. However, not a fan of "Are you guys related?" haha. NO.

Alright, back into the studio....

frustration

2007-03-21T06:57:20Z

It kills me how I brag to people how awesome my friends are, how accepting they are, etc., and then I turn out to be full of shit.

We like to think we accept all people and that we down outcast people, but the truth is we do. I feel like in order for people to be accepted they have to fit a certain mold - have certain views, look close to a certain way, and be similar to a certain expectation...

That's ridiculous.

I've been working on accepting people for who they are as long as they are honest about themselves. It really has helped me become friends with a lot of people different from myself and to look past the surface.

I just wish that I could teach that to other people.

I never would have expected such constant criticism. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this place anymore.

I miss ....