I think I'm getting sort of depressed again.

It's hard to get motivated to do just about anything... to try to be around pple.

Sometimes I'm afraid if I don't keep my mind active I might disappear.

I'm no where near where I wanted to be w/ my life and I'm almost 25... Lord save me.

Josh and I are talking about maybe moving to Indy next year.

What if my life is doomed?

Ever meet a walking wounded? One of the living dead? Hello, my name is Meghan.

That's the only way I can explain where I am in my life right now: Uncertain.

Early March my parents decided to move to Wisconsin.  Mid-March they put their house on the market... Two and a half weeks later the house was sold and one week later they purchased a house in a city I can barely pronounce let alone spell.  Some attempt to cling to the Native Americans that once dwelled on that land, I'm sure.  They will be moved there before April 30th, because that's when they have to close on the house in Noblesville.  Did I mention this distant land is 5 1/2 hours away (ideally... but I'm going to have to drive through Chicago... So realistically 6 1/2 to 7 hours away.....)  I could drive to and from Noblesville twice in that time... People kept asking me how I felt... I thought I'd have more time to adjust before they actually moved... Two months is not enough time... I said I was okay with it... I mean... I don't expect to stay in Indiana much longer than three more years... So if I don't plan to stay I shouldn't expect them to either.  Right? But if I have children they will never see where I grew up a major portion of my life... I won't be going home to familiar streets and sights and stories when I visit my parents... I will be going to a strange city where I'm sure I will always get lost.  Lost... That's how I feel... It's weird when your anchor is uprooted and thrown to sea.  Everything hit me at work the other day when I thought that I had requested this weekend off to go home but found that I was scheduled every single day.  I burst into tears.  Almost hyperventilating... Guess I am not okay.  Pretending only goes so far. 

Part of me wishes I could call Morris about it.  His parents moved to Florida a couple years ago and he's ok... I just want someone who's been there to tell me that yes it sucks... but it gets better.  But I can't.  I'm sure he wouldn't even answer the phone... And if he did, that woman would be upset and it would just cause issues.  I hate some of the timelines of my life.

I will be done with school in a month... LESS than a month actually and I am severely unprepared... I haven't applied for graduation or declared my art major yet... I think I've been putting it off because if I'm officially done with school I will have to enter the world head on... It's sort of a re-birth... Not having anyone to rely on but yourself... Of course there are always friends and loved ones to support you emotionally, but ultimately it's only up to you to survive another day.  Plant two feet on the ground and keep on going... What if I can't???

There are so many words and emotions that are just so hard to chain down in coherency.  I have found soul shattering love.  Heart clenching, breath racing, passionate, world changing, love. And I have no idea what I have done to deserve the life I have now. I have a wonderful man who loves me... we can spend days in each other's company and not falter in conversation or begin to tarnish in each other's eyes. I can hold him so close to me and still feel like I should squeeze harder... Just to try to convey how much he means to me. I want to pull the thoughts from the air, sprinkle them with glitter, and glue them down in child like wonder just to express myself.  We are wonderfully different and yet just the same... catching ourselves thinking the same things, saying the same things, laughing the same way..... all at the same time... but we never tire of the other.  This is the fairy tale love.  My Cinderella tale.  He is all I could have imagined if I were to construct my mystery man from my dreams. 

But I feel bad to have so much good in my life when one of the people I love most has had to suffer so much pain and lose someone so precious.  Since that week, everything seems slightly different.  Everyone who complains seems so trivial, including myself.  Life is something that we shouldn't waste because it keeps proving to be so fragile.  In the past two months I have had to attend two funerals... One celebrated a complete life that seemed cut too short, the other mourned the loss of a life that never got to live.  Both left people behind, wondering what if...

I used to be a very big church girl... But I cannot help but sit here, feeling minuscule, looking to the heavens wondering WHAT THE FUCK has HE been doing with himself?  What is His explanation for all of this? The world is falling in ruins around us, and where is His help?  I keep hearing that everything is going to go to hell on Earth probably within my life time.  How can things have been soooo bad thousands of years ago that He had to supposedly flood the Earth and start fresh, when now we have home made bombs, nuclear weapons, children cluching guns to their chests while their mothers are being raped, world wide epidemics of killer diseases, genocides... the list is endless.  And yet so many just go through life in an ignorant bubble.  If He is supposed to transcend time and know what is going to happen then how could he have created man just to watch them self destruct?  Oh yea, free will and all that bullshit. 

Which brings me to a new quandary.  How can people in our nation call themselves good Christians and yet try to strip people of their free will by creating laws to micromanage people's lives?  Why should their be laws for us to wear seat belts and fines if we are caught doing so? Should it not be my choice if I want to use that extra safety measure? I'm not potentially hurting anyone but myself... there is no need to make a law about it.  And does anyone else see that adding a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage is wrong on so many levels?  The Constitution was not created to hinder people's lives but to save them from the threat of an over-powering government... adding an amendment forbidding gay marriage would completely undermine it's existence, setting the framework for other frivolous actions in the future.  And how can a person call themselves a good-freaking-Christian and yet take away people's free will? WHO THE HELL ARE THEY HURTING???? NO ONE.  I would think we were finally at a time when people could stop being so damn insecure, and focus more on the betterment of humanity instead of the protection of our little ignorant damn bubbles. 

Enough of that.

Even the sky was overcast... Mourning the loss of a wonderful soul.
As the pastor recited the final goodbyes, the wind kicked up...
The elements were weeping with the spectators.

Is it weird that I get over things so fast?  What if I don't actually feel?

ARGGHHHHH

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.nausea.

.headache.

.sleeplessness.

That is all.

Right now I am stressed.... I feel like the house is still in complete disorder and I won't finally be at rest until it's all put together... But there's NOTHING I can do to fix it right now...

We have 10 people living in a 5 bedroom house right now bc Jess, Stacy, Joel, Cory, and Derek are all homeless... Thank god it all ends tomorrow...  Don't get me wrong, I love them all, and it's nice actually being around people and not being a social outcast... but not 24/7.

I just fell like I have no control... and that is NOT how I operate...

I haven't been sleeping well... I wish I wasn't a light sleeper... I feel like all I want to do is sleep... but w/ 10 people in one house (sometimes 11 bc Steven crashes here 5 days of the week) it's hard to sleep in or go to bed early.

I'm worried about being the bitch of the house....

I'm worried I'll be the only one cleaning... the house is so trashed right now... but there's no use in cleaning until tomorrow....

I think Kichu hates me... People keep torturing her bc she's so pick-up-able and calling her a fatty. I don't like my dog being mistreated but I feel like I can't control it.  At least no one has tried to get her high.

I'm tired... so tired...

I can't wait til Friday and Saturday... If it happens.

The livejournal writer's block question is "what are you afraid of?"

Usually I don't pay attention to those questions but move along and look at my friends page and sometimes write a little rant here and there...

But instead of that being a question, it seems more of a confrontation....

What am I afraid of???

Right now I feel lost, static, like I'm evaporating....

I see everybody but nobody... I am never alone but isolated....

Why haven't I begun to feel like a "grown up?"

I'm almost 23... I should be on my own, paying my own bills, doing whatever it is I'm supposed to do...

But I'm here... in oblivion... floating... in limbo... a purgatory of my own design.

Why am I not moving forward??

TORTURES OF THE DAMNED

I hate myself,
more than I ever let on.
I'm burned out at 22.
I lived too fast and I loved too much and I'll die too young,
but I chose this cup that I drank from.
Knew what I was getting into.
But I couldn't let out what I had to keep in.
I'm ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins,
that I've committed and:

I've made mistakes,
but I'll find my way.
There's no explanation for,
the things I've failed at before.
They can't hold my hand.
It just hurts to be a man,
Through the tortures of the damned.

If I only had an axe,
I'd sever the ties I've made with the world.
Maybe I can be a stranger,
in a strange place.
If I start now, maybe I can be saved.
If I only had a mask,
I'd cover these bleeding eyes.
They're bloodshot now but they'll be black by dawn.
If I wake up now,
I can be pure again.

I feel like I'm losing at the game of protecting those I'm close to...
I'm letting everyone down, my best friend in particular.

I should have just chained her to the apartment... created a human sized hamster ball... I'm just worried, I'm worried she'll end up hitting rock bottom and I won't be able to save her. I haven't been doing a very good job lately. I yelled, I was furious. I don't understand. Now I'm afraid we won't talk for weeks or it will always be awkward. I don't want to lose my best friend over a fucker. We survived my own personal douche bag, we can survive this??? That's what I keep telling myself...

I need to get away. I know I sound like a broken record, but this town... all my stresses... they're getting to me. I've been getting stomach aches at least once a day. I've been pushing through them, I've told Niki since day one and just mentioned it to CJ today... I feel like it makes me weak... What's stressing me out so much????? I mean, I know I've been freaking out about some things, but I don't feel like it's any more than what everyone else deals with... Nothing out of control.

I'm scared to end up like I was in high school: a broken, beat down mess... Depressed, stressed... Struggling to find something to fill a bottomless void... But nothing is going on now to compare to what I was going through then, so what's wrong with me? I'm not depressed, I don't think... I push myself through the times I just want to stay home, curled up in bed, alone... which is a great sign. I go out, I have fun, I smile, I laugh, I seem to be normal... as normal as anyone could be. So I should be fine. No worries.

I just need a holiday.

All in all life has been amazing lately.

But I'm afraid what it'll be like in 4 days after Canada is gone...

Niki and I will still go shake it at Sports, I'm sure...

But then when Niki leaves????

Then who will come out and make asses of themselves w/ me?

Everyone's leaving and talking about leaving... I don't blame them in the least, it just keeps hitting me how old I am. I have 4 weddings to go to this summer, I graduate in a year (only 4 classes though), and I am thinking about moving out west.

But where out west?? I think that northern California would be nice, but the cost of living is so high. Colorado would be ideal... but then again there's that whole cost of living thing... Oregon? North Carolina (not out west I know)? ???? Really, I'm pretty flexible on the whole thing... I just want out of the midwest... and as long as I can drive less than an hour somewhere to do something crazy outside, I'm good.

There's a whole other situation that I'm not really going to get into.... But I can say that I'm confused, and that's really all I know for sure.



PS Kichu is defending me from the killer pillow.

OK, so fyi, I'm on a diet... so no beer or late night pizza for me anymore... I've been wanting to do this for awhile, but now I have the drive to do it.... It was intensified when I stopped by home on Sunday and my parents both pretty much called me fat.

My mom said, "You're really starting to get a belly, you doing your crunches?"
I looked her in the eye and said, "I don't know, have you???"
Her response, "I'm too old."
All the while my dad was pointing out that my stomach matched my butt.
I don't have to even start to point out how wrong that situation is.
I have great parents... wait...

So please, don't try to convince me otherwise, I'm not going for the aneorexic look or anything, I just want to feel healthy and be happy in my skin.

So I finally got fed up....
and I am cranky enough today to act out...
So this is the note that is going on the fridge:



READ
Put dirty dishes in dishwasher.
If dishwasher full of dirty
dishes - RUN IT. If full of
clean dishes - PUT THEM
AWAY. If trash full - TAKE
IT OUT. If you make a
mess on the counters -
CLEAN IT. Seriously, let's
be civilized. Your room can be
however you want, but the
main area needs to be at
least up to health code and
I AM DONE BEING CINDERELLA.


I know I'm going to get some interesting reactions, but I don't care. My room is a MESS right now bc I'm so burnt out from keeping the rest of the apartment clean to keep my room clean, and I'm tired of it.

I don't think that it's unreasonable that I like our apt at least to not look condemned and attract bugs.

And I don't like my dog to be exposed to things that can make her sick.

I feel old.

Another one of my friends from back home is now engaged.... Luke Adams... Yeah I've been expecting it for awhile bc his girlfriend is A-MAZING, but seriously... this needs to stop, it's freaking me out.

I'm going to start going back to church.

Next year there's a free methodist church within walking distance that I'm going to check out...

I know it seems weird, especially with my lifestyle lately, but I really want to see if that's why I feel so lost...

I used to be an extremely Godly person... I'm not saying that I want to revert exactly back to where I was, but I don't think that completely depriving myself is working either.

Church has given me my life the way it is today. I wouldn't know any of the brat pack without it. It's weird how things like that work out.

There's a river of emotions I wish I could express, but they would just be incohesive.

One day I may try.

Everyone's becoming a satellite, the group is only a fable... A myth told around fireside late at night... without a moral. We tell tall tales of the glories of yester-year without remembering about today. "Do you remember when???" What if I want to remember now???

I'm getting a tattoo in about 16 hours!!!!! AHHHHHHH I'm nervous, which is dumb... I've been thinking about this forever...

I am me.
I fit into everyone and no one's mold.
I do what I want, wear what I want, feel what I want at any given moment.
I am human.
I cry, bleed, and laugh like any other person.
I can be whatever I want.
Accept me or fuck off.
Only real friends wanted.
Love me for my flaws, or don't bother with me.
I'm beginning to question where I belong.

I may be a little drunk right now.
It may have taken me longer to type those sentences than usual.
But these are feelings I've had.

I feel rejected.
I feel disposable.
I feel invisible.

Have I disappeared?

I am a girl, with a bitchy yet wonderful dog, who just wants to know...

What the hell is happening with my life?